I knew this day was coming. But that does not make this post any easier.
It has officially been 90 Days since the start of the challenge. Several of you have inquired as to how my reading was coming along after my confession. Your concern warms my very heart and soul.
I did not finish. Not even close. If I explain my reasons, do they simply sound like excuses?
Life over the course of the last three months has been unexpectedly challenging. I started out full of passion and dove into God’s word like never before. It was a breath of fresh air. But then my lack of sleep put me a little behind. Then a little more. I was determined to get caught up.
But I never did get caught up on sleep. Colin wakes every. single. night. to nurse a minimum of two times on a good night. Sure, I could let him cry. My last baby, I desire to savor each moment with my little guy, even at three in the morning. Since he has a particularly hard time eating any solids, and refuses a bottle or cup, I have practically been his only source of nutrition since his birth over eleven months ago. So I nurse him back to sleep. There are fewer tears this way, for both of us. But I am weary.
I suspect my exhaustion has something to do with the unwelcome visitor that recently crept back into my life. Depression.
Admitting this right here on my blog is not easy. I strive to encourage and uplift. And I don’t often get too… personal. But perhaps you know this visitor as well. And perhaps you feel alone. The lies it tells are all too convincing.
A struggle on and off for many years, depression pulls me away from God when I know I need Him most. These last few months have been particularly low for me. I continued to blog, a welcome escape. But my Bible sat untouched. And the guilt grew.
It is my hope that sharing this with the world will be my first step on the road to better days. With an upcoming move, a very active almost-one-year old, and a husband who is often traveling, I know I must beat this. I am taking things one day at a time.
My Bible is waiting. I know I will not finish it in ninety days during this season of my life. But thankfully God’s word is eternal and unchanging. Reading it cover to cover is still a major goal. But for now, I meditate on this scripture:
Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
To see how others experienced the Bible in 90 Days Challenge, and learn more about the upcoming Summer session, visit Moms Toolbox.
Linked to My Blessed Life.
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I, too struggle with depression (and anxiety attacks
). AND, I have an 8 month old who wakes multiple times to nurse every single night. He’s the same way, he won’t really eat baby food or drink from a cup very well. It’s just one of those things that I know I’ll miss one day but it makes for one tired mama at the present time.
Blessings to you!
.-= Crystal Brothers´s last blog ..Dollar General Savings. =-.
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I was just going from blog to blog one day last December for coupons and deals when I found your site. The BIND was a great challenge to bring to us, and a great testimony of your love of God. He asks us to be faithful, not legal. I did finish in 90 days but many, many times did not get it done in a year. My 5 boys are grown men now. I felt the sting of depression in the child raising years. God, fellowship, a great husband and great drugs helped me thru. It does not go away overnite. It will produce the fruits of the spirit if you allow it to. Growth is such a slow process in our minds. God is faithful and will complete the good work in you!
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HI.. i think this is the most important thing to think about it when people think there is nothing for them but they don,t no there is a really good guide line in this site to get a peace of mind i really like the poem as well. people in different ways get in trouble so here is good way to rid off every thing . God can do every thing so alwayes believe on God.
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…but you will finish. Praying for you.
.-= Stacy´s last blog ..90 Day Read Through The Bible Challenge~The End =-.
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While the challenge of reading the bible in 90 days is commendable, I always remember what my pastor said, that he would rather we read one line of scripture and remember, meditate, ponder and apply it. Don’t beat yourself up, post partum depression is no joke (and if you’ve struggled with depression on and off for years, you’re more likely to experience the post partum one).
At the end of the day, do you think Jesus will ask you if you read the bible in 90 days or if you lived what’s in your bible in those 90 days?
.-= Florence´s last blog ..Joy in Blowing Bubbles =-.
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Hi, Alyssa…
Thank you for your post. I have dealt with anxiety after each of my girls births. I think that the lack of sleep has a LOT to do with it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. You’ll be in my prayers. Isaiah 41:10…really great verse.
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I relate to your post on many levels.
I too, shared my B90days fail this week…
I too, have a nursing baby…
and 2 other small children at home…
God doesn’t expect us to be perfect.
He is interested in our hearts intention.
My husband is Active Duty Army – and he is often away for long periods of time. A seasoned military wife once advised me “Remember you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.” It has been good advice for me through 2, year-long, deployments and several short separations.
I hope you find some sunshine between the clouds.
((hugs))
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Thanks for sharing. I struggle with consistency in the word on a regular basis. I get so afraid of setting goals for fear of being unable to meet them. I appreciate your honesty. I hope that you continue to experience the Lord’s presence in the midst of this depression. Blessings.
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I am inspired by all the mom’s that are set on being in God’s Word. To read the bible in 90 days is an abitious task. I pray for each of you as you deal with your sleepless nights and depression. So I have a new challenge for you as you spend these precious nights with your baby, read the bible in year for your precious one. Make notes in the bible especially for them. Save the bible to give them on a special day. You will be blessed as you do it and they will blessed to know your prayers and thoughts as you read this for them. Happy reading.
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Alyssa thank you for sharing that. I believe that we all are given challenges to grow in faith and I too have suffered not only from depression, but alcoholism as well. After nearly 16 years of sobriety a deep depressions led me back to drinking. And it has literally been hell. But, my faith in God, a wonderful prayer/bible study group, AA, and the many, many (WOW! how many!) people that love me are helping me through. I pray you find the same strength from those powers “outside” you.
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I’m sorry about all you’ve been going through. Just know, it will pass – I’ve survived it, you can too. Also, my kids and I were trying to read through the Bible in one year, with our church plan. Well, one and a half years later and we’re just starting to read Isaiah. So, I understand how life gets in the way. I will keep you in my prayers.
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